the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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