why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Randomize
