I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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