NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sober January is a disaster.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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