It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
