ya dads aren't the best wingmen
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
