It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
