it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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