Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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