so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
