I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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