i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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