She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
nutella sex= disaster
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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