96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
