If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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