i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
