Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
