Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
found the other keg... it's in the tree
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
