Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
