she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
