I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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