Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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