I wish I only lived at night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
