I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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