Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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