I need to stop coming to work sober
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
