Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
