Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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