My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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