I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
