I need to stop coming to work sober
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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