I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
