you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
