I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
