if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
