So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
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Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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