you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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