and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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