I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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