If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
