the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's work?
Spinning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize