she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
