Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
