bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
