A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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