you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
