guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
