i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
