please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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