i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
