Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
